Thursday, 17 October 2013

Mr. Peanut

As far as peanuts go, this nut stood out like a sore thumb from day one. The product of a mixed marriage (and I'm not talking mixed nuts), his mother was a peanut and his father was the fourth Earl of Dundarave, presiding over a vast estate. Hence formal dress was de rigueur in the household and you were only allowed to remove your monocle for bathing or peering through the keyhole while the Earl had his way with his peanut wife or one of the estate sheep. Incidentally, these encounters produced some of the finest mutton in all of Britain as the strenuous lovemaking (the Earl was a hearty man and a strong proponent of interbreeding among the various species), psychologically aged the sheep considerably there forthwith creating an older, more experienced meat come slaughter time whose flavour was praised by town criers who were only too happy to have the job since syphilis had made them pretty much unemployable due to sores and seepage and their garrulous natures. Educated at Oxford, Mr. Peanut garnered glowing accolades from his professors but an academic life was not in the cards for this spat-wearing legume. Instead he joined the British Secret Service where he befriended Ian Fleming and was rumoured to be the inspiration for Fleming's great creation, James Bond, 007. If you look closely there are many similarities to substantiate these rumours. Mr. Peanut and James Bond are both snappy dressers, they both like champagne and they're both tough nuts to crack, even under threat of torture. And they both have a way with the ladies. For a time Mr. Peanut was the paramour of Baroness Gerta of Bavaria until her husband, Baron Gunther von Heffel found them out and Mr. Peanut was forced to flee to the United States after the Baron chased him with a hammer. It was here in the great land of opportunity that Mr. Peanut had his second coming, much like Jesus Christ but with a top hat instead of a crown of thorns plus he was a much better dancer. Hooking up with the Planters Peanut company he became the highest paid spokesperson for a brand name and it wasn't long before he was cutting Hollywood deals for big money, hobnobbing with stars like Jimmy Durante, Don Knotts and Mr. Ed and hosting his own variety show called The Peanut Gallery.
His house high in the Hollywood Hills became a revolving door for some of the sexiest starlets of the day and the question on everyone's lips was, where exactly were his reproductive organs since he wore very tight pants and there was no bulge showing. Was the equipment tucked away inside his shell or was he was a eunuch, which would account for his angelic singing voice. But judging from the parade of glamorous ladies seen leaving or arriving at his house at all hours of the day and night, there was some kind of working apparatus as evidenced by the look of satisfaction on their faces and the fact their pantyhose were always missing when they left his mansion. His first foray into the film industry was when he made a silent movie for Planter's Peanuts, directed by Charlie Chaplin and even though "talkies" had already hit the silver screen, Mr. Peanut insisted on a silent movie to capture the full range of emotions of a well-dressed peanut in the big city (the film is embedded below but if the embedding doesn't work just click on the You Tube link because this is a riveting film not to be missed). The years passed by but Mr. Peanut never slowed down or showed his age, singing and dancing his way into the hearts and minds of people everywhere and Fred Astaire once said of him, "The only competition I get in this hoofing biz is from that crazy cat, Mr. Peanut and I think he looks even better than me in a top hat." But Mr. Peanut wasn't all just song and dance. From his academic training and years at Oxford Mr. Peanut had an acute scientific curiosity and he became a good friend of George Washington Carver, the two of them spending long hours in Mr. Carver's laboratory coming up with intriguing peanut recipes and industrial uses for this lowly legume. These days Mr. Peanut has retired to his family estate back in Dundarave where arthritis and some shell-cracking has slowed him down considerably. Never married and with no peanut children to call his own, Mr. Peanut has stated that he's just happy he could leave his indelible mark on the peanut industry as well as creating a history and legacy of success that perhaps future generations of peanuts can dream of achieving.  


No comments:

Post a Comment